From Up to Down

I don’t know where it came from, but depression is here tonight. It’s been here all day. With it came suicidal ideation. Lots of it.

I am so tired. My body hurts. I am also covered in bug bites and bruises from wiping out at the playground on Thursday when I was there with S. The only thing I’ve been marginally interested in is laying in my bed and playing games on my phone.

I am supposed to be reading from my DBT book and keeping track of my positive and negative judgements, so that I can discuss in therapy this week. I’ve noticed I have a lot of judgements, the same ones over and over. I am ugly. My thighs are fat. I am lazy and should be doing more. I am an ungrateful person. I am not smart enough or assertive enough to be successful at work. I am a loser. I am an idiot.

I have a distraction plan. A relaxation plan. Lists of things I am supposed to be doing instead of hurting myself. When I’m well, these all seem like feasible things to do. I’m motivated to try. Now? I’ve cut four times in the last two days, so it’s safe to say I suck.

J says I’m working hard, but this is the proof that I’m not. This is why I don’t deserve the support and kindness I receive in therapy.

I literally don’t want to do anything right now. I’ve guilted myself into writing this. The thought of waking up to a new day tomorrow hurts. The thought of continuing to do this back and forth, up and downs of my mood, is not appealing to me.

I hurt. Plain and simple, I’m in a dark place at the moment. That place of hopelessness and defeat. I’ve got so much anger and jealousy. I want J desperately and I hate myself for that, but I also know that talking to her would certainly be pointless because she can’t fix my flaws.

I think that I may be unfixable. A lost cause. These minions just keep coming back stronger each time. What am I even trying for?

Or is it just that the judgements in my head are true and I’m a lazy loser who isn’t working hard enough to be better?

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4 thoughts on “From Up to Down”

  1. Oh love. Your critic is a persuasive sod face isn’t she (but lets be accepting of her too)?! Let me tell you this: you are a great person and your self-judgement is not a true reflection of who or what you are. Depressive episodes can be so derailing. I hope the fog lifts soon and you can feel better in yourself. Hugs from your cheerleader x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I get the sense that you’re working very hard. Right now your illness may have cold-cocked you and you’re down, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get back up. And even if J can’t fix anything, she can help hold some of your pain and make it a little easier to bear. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You sound totally maxed out and I think that resting was a good thing. I don’t really want to tell you to look at the evidence which disproves all of those awful things you have said about yourself, but there is plenty. You have a Masters degree for a start. You have worked hard juggling uni work, placements and working.
    It sounds like the elation of this week has given way to exhaustion and depression. I often find it difficult to sustain the good feelings associated with my achievements because I have no mast of which to pin them. So I give and dismiss them because I have nobody in my life to encourage me and reinforce and build my self esteem. I don’t know if that is what is going on for you though.
    Therapy isn’t about fixing people. There’s no magic wand. J isn’t trying to fix you and you are not a lost cause. You have very high expectations of yourself. As RB said, your critic is persistent and persuasive. Try to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if needs be. I hope this fog lifts soon x

    Like

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