Acceptance

“I’m not enough, but if I can just try hard enough, be enough to make everyone I ever meet happy and totally enamoured with what a wonderful, brilliant, kind, talented, hilarious, perfect person I am… then I WILL feel like enough at last.”

This is a quote from blogger Half of a Soul whose posts I have read many of because they are so relatable it makes me feel less alone. She has normalized BPD a bit for me, with her reminders that if so many of us are feeling the same feelings and thinking the same thoughts then maybe it is not an inner flaw but the work of the monster known as BPD messing with our heads.

In her post Letting Go Of Perfect, Cat talks about….well…letting go of being perfect. She talks about the ability to let go of all the “shoulds” in life and just be happy with where she is.

Therapist and I had a similar conversation tonight. I told her about how I was struggling with the fact that I am feeling this low, that I blame myself for not working hard enough and that somehow this all works out to be my fault. She proceeded to point out about five ways I was working hard. Surviving. Enduring. I particularly liked that last word because it sounded so strong. I think it says something that I fight myself so much just to admit that I am strong because I am here.

But anyway, as we talked she introduced me to the term dialectics, which I have obviously heard but never had specifically defined.  In this instance, we are using dialectics to encourage me to hold two different beliefs: 1. This emotional, anxious, sad person is who I am right now, or at least what is inhabiting me. 2. I am working to change that. The idea is to accept that I can only be who I am in this moment, nothing more, but to also acknowledge in the least judgemental way possible that I am working towards my ideal self each day.

There is something very freeing about that thought. I think in a way it releases me of all the “shoulds” that Cat discussed so perfectly. I should be going to the gym 5 days a week. I should be eating perfectly. I should be meditating 10 minutes each day. I should meet every single persons needs and somehow still be able to fit my own. I should be able to have the insight to figure out answers at internship before my supervisor, so I can be the smartest. I hold on to my shoulds with a vice grip. It turns life into a competition that can’t be won because you think you’re playing against everyone else, but it turns out you’re really just playing against yourself. And you’ve set the bar pretty high in this competition without giving yourself a ladder or a trampoline or any kind of tool that would help you reach it.

Even if you somehow manage to reach the bar, you usually find out it’s been moved a bit higher when you get there.

What I’m saying is, there’s no winning, I’m never enough, because I won’t let myself be. With success comes judgement about how much not perfection that success was. I could go to the gym 3 days and be guilting myself for not going 4. I’ll eat well all day and curse myself over 4 Oreos. I’ll hang out with friends on Friday and judge myself for my lack of plans on Saturday. There’s no acceptance of the here and the now. There’s no appreciation of the work that’s going into all of it. It’s not Hey! You’re having trouble keeping with your diet right now, but you’re working towards it. This is hard. It’s Try harder, you fatass. Work hard enough and maybe you’ll be beautiful.

So no wonder I feel like I’m not working hard enough. I’m expecting myself to do it all, to have my feelings and the BPD just shrivel away into nothing when that’s not a plausible outcome. It’s so much pressure.  I feel like I should be able to make it go away and if I could just figure out the exact right combination of words and actions I could somehow become #1 school psychologist intern with a boyfriend, 25 best friends who want to do things with me, a perfect relationship with my parents and absolutely no negative feelings. Ever. I feel like I should be able to make the happen and because I can’t make all of those expectations reality at this very specific point in time, I feel like a failure.

This very linear, narrow view of who I should be and the road of perfection that’ll get me there is BPD-driven and will escalate me quickly. It spurs those fears of abandonment because holy shit I’m just not good enough or funny enough or special enough for them to stay around. But if I work harder, try harder, be better, I can be. I can get rid of BPD and live out all my fantasies. 

No pressure there.

The consequence of not being good enough is a heavy mental beating from myself. It’s more pressure. It’s learned helplessness that comes from knowing I won’t cut myself a break even when I’ve grown in an area, done something better than before. If nothing is ever enough, why keep trying?

Enter suicidal thoughts.

In reality, by accepting where I’m at right now, I’m expressing a kinder more gentler view of myself that will hopefully bring me to more positive thoughts and feelings. I want to be where I’m not, but to be where I want to be I have to make peace with where I am (did you follow that?). There has to be some level of acceptance that this is where we are right now. I have to open my mind to the idea that I want different things for myself and I am working towards them, while accepting that a lot of this is still difficult and recognizing the road I am walking to get there.

Otherwise I’ll never be happy with what I accomplish, because the judgement and expectations on myself will just keep churning themselves out. I’ll just keep ‘shoulding’ myself to be enough for one more person, to get closer to perfection so that everyone can finally love me and I can somehow be enough for myself.

Except it doesn’t really work that way.

So here we go. I am struggling right now. I am transitioning into new parts of my life and it is really hard and scary. I have strong negative feelings, I think about suicide, I self-harm. I want to be in a relationship. I want to be a good school psychologist. I want more social opportunities.  I want a better relationship with my parents. But those things are hard. Sometimes they make me angry, sometimes they make me sad, sometimes they make me anxious.

I’m trying though. I write. I go to therapy. I chart my moods. I’m working on developing new insights and turning that into action. I’m still alive. I’m trying to find safer outlets than self-harm. I don’t always do it, but I’m working on that. I get enough sleep and I try to take care of myself. I am getting better at advocating for my needs. I listen to music or light a candle to calm down.

I accept that I have BPD. I will continue to work towards acceptance of what the BPD monster did in my past. And I will keep working for a better future, the one I want. I will keep pushing myself, but I will try to set the bar where I can reach it. Not perfection. Not ‘enough’ for everyone. Those are unattainable feats.

I’m letting go of perfection and focusing on acceptance of where I am right now.